daily, sometimes hourly surrender

April 23, 2017

 

 

 

With the bulk of my first full audition season over, I’ve had much more time for reflection.  In college, I learned the importance of taking a step back and being an observer in my own life.  What is working?  What habits need to go?  Where does my mind go when my “normal” or sense of structure gets thrown off?  So naturally, I have been doing a bit of reflecting on this winter/spring season in NYC.  

 

I look at these past few months with so much gratitude.  When I think of audition season, my mind is filled with thoughts of early mornings, too much money spent on coffee, and hugging friends along Eighth Avenue or at the Equity building.  I think of waiting in line for my ninety seconds of singing, making choices that were maybe a little too bold, and the excitement of callbacks.  Yes, I think of those weird auditions that didn’t go as planned or getting to the final callback and hearing nothing…of course I think about those things, too.  But for the first time in a long time, I am able to come out of this season with gratitude for all that it has taught me.  After all, how could you not learn SOMETHING from months of auditioning day after day?

 

This audition season, I felt a sense of surrender.  This sense of surrender brought about a sense of peace that I haven’t experienced before.  Today, as I was re-reading my favorite book A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, I understood why my process of surrender in this career has been such a struggle until recently. Marianne writes, “Everything we don’t care that much about —fine—God can have it.  But if it’s really, really important, we think we better handle it ourselves.  The truth is, of course, the more important it is to us, the more important it is to surrender.”  (pg 58). MARIANNE JUST GETS IT, Y’ALL.  To all my New York friends, we have all been the actor who has AuditionUpdate bookmarked, who checks her email every ten minutes after a callback, who attaches 99% of her identity to her job as an actor.  Woof.  If I have figured anything out, it’s that living that way takes up so much mental, spiritual, and emotional energy.  And THAT is what makes surrendering career to God such a daily, sometimes hourly practice. 

 

A tiny way I began my series of surrenders began in Pearl Studios.  Before entering the room at every audition, I said out loud “Yay GOD, Boo Devil.”  It seems like a tiny, silly thing…but by saying that, I give the audition to God. I let Him take control in that space.  That tiny little rejoicing prayer has put me at ease and comforted me more than I can say. 

 

I could go on and on about other ways surrender has guided me this season…but I’ll spare you.  What I will tell you is that surrendering anxieties, dreams, and thoughts to God is a constant conversation.  I am so thankful for a God who listens and loves.  I don’t know how I could live in this city without Him and His grace.  HAPPY SUNDAY FRANDS.  

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